Escaping the Void

Escaping the Void

The sun has long since laid to rest

Yet I lay here in a stir.

A sea of thoughts do flood my mind,

Their scenes are such a blur.

“How did I end up in this place?”

I ask myself at last.

I’m left with naught but mine own thoughts

To reflect upon my past

My mind takes me back over there

To far-off distant lands

Where I’m convinced I never left
With a rifle still in my hands.

A woman also comes to mind,

Latching her arms around my waist.

I pitied her fruitless efforts

Fearing it was the last embrace.

What does a man say to his wife

When he is soon to leave?

How can he make her understand

It’s where he needs to be?

When it is time to go off to war,

Is it too much for him to ask

To depart for many months

And she be there when he gets back?

The enemy was invisible;

He could rarely be seen.

He scarcely made himself known,

Always watching quietly.

With the local population

He was able to disguise.

Concealed by bushes and buildings,

In the shadows he did hide.

His rocket did shake the earth.

I heard his bullet crack.

I navigated his minefield

Unsure if each step would be my last.

From the green fields of Afghanistan,

To the bunkers of Iraq,

I searched for my purpose

And part of me never came back.

The innocent men and children,

Their bodies bloodied and maimed.

Though I never pulled the trigger,

Any could be in my name.

Yes, this is a reality

That I’ve only told a few souls.

As long as I am alive,

I’ll never surely know.

I remember the faces

Of the people I came across,

Their families taxed by war—

Peace comes at a high cost.

Though they did not speak English,

I know what they would have asked.

“Why is it that you are still here?

You are doing nothing, alas!”

Oh, how I’m glad they could not speak,

For an answer I could not give.

Our hands were tied behind our backs

To satisfy the politics.

We set out to change the world.

We did our job within our means.

Why did we want to fight?

We were United States Marines.

When I returned from my first tour,

The enemy followed me back.

He occupied my mind and thoughts;

My psyche he did attack.

I went there to make a difference,

But I left feeling unfulfilled.

I wanted to do so much more,

And my yearn to go back did build.

Where I thought I could escape,

Numbness and emptiness ensued.
I sought time to be alone,

And I slowly became removed.

However, my wife’s love

Provided me with balance,

Though I slowly wore her thin,

And her patience became challenged.

I used to be happier.

Empathy was a strength of mine.

Stubbornness and bitterness

Settled in over time.

She struggled with depression,

And I wasn’t sure what to do.

I was too prideful to realize

That I was depressed, too.

The enemy was still out there

In the land that I had left.

This reality bothered me,

And I wanted him to be dead.

Sleep was difficult to come by,

And I didn’t dream much.

On the occasions that I did,

I settled my drawn-out grudge.

When I came home from work,

I didn’t want to leave the house.

I thought that I could escape
With just the help of my spouse.

I don’t know why these problems

Were so easy to ignore.

Maybe I was scared of weakness.

What was I searching for?

I didn’t find relief again

Until I did my second tour.

The thrill of being shot at

Left me still wanting more.

Why is it I felt this way?

One can’t value life and breath

Until one has accepted

The chance of one’s own death.

It is a conundrum that

Is difficult to understand

Unless one has experienced

These very things firsthand.

The stationary nature

Of the operation’s mission

Left me again unsatisfied,

And I fell into submission.

A change in me began its course,

And I found myself wanting home.

I began to understand that

My desires could not roam.

I realized that I wished to be

A husband, and someday a dad.

I recognized my many flaws

And the burdens that I dragged.

Dreams of a brand new life

I began to formulate,

But when I finally came home,

I found out that it was too late.

My reception with my wife

Wasn’t like my fantasies.

She was very distant;

She was like a stranger to me.

I cannot seem to forget

The devastation that took course

On that dreaded afternoon

When she said, “I want a divorce.”
There were a number of times

Where men sought to take my life

Their attempts were less defeating

Than to hear those words from my wife.

At first came denial, then

Reality’s crushing blow.

I struggled to stay afloat,

But I quickly sank below.

The depth accelerated

When I had discovered that

Before I had come home,

She was seeing another man.

What is a man to do?
Should he fight to win her love?
Or should he let her slip his grip

And chase what she is dreaming of?

I first chose to do the former

With hopes that she might return.

Now I was latched around her waist—

My, how the tables had turned.

My many desperate attempts

To win her back went too far,

Ravaged by the idea

That I had to share her heart.

Oh, how I envied him

To whom she invested her time.

My hope began to slowly fade.

I knew she was no longer mine.

She said, “This marriage is only

Recognized by the State and Court,

But I no longer acknowledge

Anything of the sort.”

Nonetheless, my wedding band

I wore determinedly.

To whom, exactly, was I wed?

I suppose to only me.

Of the worst parts was the night

As I laid in bed alone.

Knowing she wasn’t missing me,

And my guilt and sorrow droned.

To take the first morning breath

Never left me so distraught.

Disappointed to be alive,

The nightmare never stopped.

I reasoned that the pain

Was rightly justified.

To her, I was a failure,

And I decided to abide.

When she finally served me

The petition for divorce,

I thought that after four months

The suffering would change its course.

I got part-time employment.

I tried to stay occupied.

I enrolled back into school.

I went along just for the ride.

I studied hard in my classes,

Earning all of my “A” grades,

But it still didn’t satisfy

The loneliness that weighed.

At least it was “over there”

That I felt valuable.

Live or die—it didn’t matter.

It was deemed admirable.

At home I felt insignificant,

My life had not gone as planned.
I’ll never again be “normal,”

At least from what I understand.

Always surrounded by loved ones,

Yet I found myself alone,

Wishing to go back overseas

To a place I thought was home.

I forced myself to go on dates,

Sometimes three or more a week.

I was paying for strangers

To make me feel less bleak.

Can you recall my enemy?

He still resided in my head.

He was still invisible,

And he still wanted me dead.

“Don’t be deceived by her smile,”

He would say to persuade me,

“Her smile is of ignorance.

She doesn’t know that you’re a freak.

“Do you really think you deserve her,

Given your history and your past?

If she finds out about the truth

Things for you two could never last.

You’re so undesirable—

I won’t ever let you forget—

Your own wife had to replace you.

Don’t you remember why she left?”

At last, I reached my breaking point.

I couldn’t do another date.

My mind was so plagued by disease

Created by my own self-hate.

I didn’t do enough
While deployed to dangerous lands.

I felt I lacked qualities

That make a good husband and man.

I turned to my Creator,

And I begged Him for relief.

The currents were getting strong,

And I was washing out to sea.

I pled with all of my heart,

Ashamed to show Him my face.

Even still, I could not forget

The promises He had made.

He talked with me quite plainly,

Like a father to a son.

Not audibly to the ears,

But through the medium of love,

In a language unlike English,

It’s how the spirits invoke.

It was quite remarkable,

And this is what he spoke:

“Those nights you wept yourself to sleep,

I never left your side.

I know you could feel my presence,

But your face you still did hide.

It never fails to grieve me

To see my children cry.

If you will just let me teach you,

I’ll show you the beauty of life.

“The purpose you are searching for,

This way it cannot be fulfilled.

There is so much more to this life

Than what transcends the battlefield.

Just as your wife could choose to leave,

You can put that gun to your head.

I gave my children free agency,

But you may choose my plan instead.

“I sent my Only Begotten,

And for you He gave His life.

He understands the pain you feel,

He’ll help you overcome this strife.

Even though hurt and affliction

Seemingly plague your existence,

You’re here to learn and grow

So don’t fear any resistance.

“Your social activities

And the counseling can help,

But your purpose in this life

Only you can find yourself.

Of course, you won’t be alone

If you let me be your guide.

As long as you’ll allow me to,

I will never leave your side.

“These delusions that you have made

Of your own inadequacy

Have immensely clouded your mind

From the many good memories.

Remember the moments

When I preserved your life?

Do you not recall the times
That you brought joy to your wife?

“Forgiveness has power to heal,

You know this all to well.

How can I forgive you

If you can’t forgive yourself?

To be a disciple of Christ

Is both a science and an art.

In order for you to be whole,

There can’t be anger in your heart.

“The quality of your life

Depends on your perspective.

Learning from life’s lessons

Makes you more affective.

You won’t understand the reason

For these trials you have faced,

Until later on in your life,

And you’ll realize you weren’t misplaced.

“I’ll furnish you with quality friends

And eventually a wife.

She’ll be strong enough to help you

With the services you’ll provide.

Yes, you still have much work to do;

There will be ample sacrifice.

Although, I will equip you with

All of that which will suffice.

“Just put your faith in me

And I’ll help you find self-worth.

You’ll find your ultimate purpose

That you were endowed with at birth.

I know your heart better than you do,

So, listen to me when I say,

I have it all drawn out for you.

Follow me as I lead the way."

At times I find myself waiting

For the call to get sent back,

But I’m working for a future

Instead of living in the past.

I know that if I do my part

He’ll help me understand.

What comfort it now brings me

To know now it’s all in God’s hands.

I am now discovering

The greater things in this life.

Selflessness and charity

Are truly the love of Christ.

It’s called “The Plan of Happiness”

Because it provides us much joy.

It is divine instruction

On how to escape the void.